Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
