someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
