yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
