her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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