seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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