Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
