All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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