yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
