just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
