Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
