but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
