Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
