Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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