How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
