Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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