tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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