There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
