i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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