i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize