im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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