I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
