It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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