She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
