I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
