This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
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he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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