girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
A+ Viking dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
