I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
