It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
