I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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