im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
