Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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