I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
