I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
