it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
