so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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