Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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