So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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