hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize