Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
