You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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