Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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