I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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