He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
