I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
