i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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