I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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