I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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