I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
