you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
