i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
