It's a beautiful day for a hangover
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
