When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
