I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
