just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
