how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize