Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
