I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
