I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
